Dear Diary: A Kradam Journal
by Cordy Echelon
Summary: Kradam: Adam and Kris are in high school. Kris is the new kid and quickly becomes Adam's best friend. But, Adam has a crush on straight Kris. What's a boy to do?


**Dear Diary**

Monday, October 16

Dear Diary,

Today I saw an angel. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. He's new to California fresh from unassuming Arkansas. When he walked into my choir class, I though the heavens had opened up and deposited my perfect man right in front of me. *Sigh* His name is Kris Allen…that's right, Kris with a K. How adorable is that? Anyway, here are the details:

Kris Allen- Pocket Size

Fluffy Brown Hair

Warm Chocolate Eyes

Voice that could thaw even the coldest heart

I'm surprised I didn't melt into a puddle right there in front of everyone. The teacher had him sit right next to me. He introduced himself and shook my hand. I was rendered speechless as his eyes met mine.

Now I sound like a girl. I'm much more mach than this. I promise. Not when it comes to sexy little Kris Allen though. The things that boy does to me!

Anyway, back on track. Me and Kris are friends! Can you believe it? After class, he asked me to show him around the school. I hope that boy know what he's getting into. One of these days I'm just going to have to kiss him. It'll be his reward for being so epically adorable. I don't even know if he's gay though. Hmm, I'll tell him I am Friday and see how he reacts.

I think that's enough for now. Time to dream of my new conquest!

;P,

Adam

Friday, October 20

Dear Diary,

Today was the day of reckoning. I didn't tell him in choir. Too easy for others to overhear. I didn't tell him between 1st and 2nd hour. Too little time. It was at lunch where I finally worked up the nerve.

He sat across from me, like yesterday. We were laughing and joking about Danny's unfortunate rendition of "Dream On" in choir today. Talk about awful! He attempted to hit notes only I can hit. How about that for arrogant? The result was a screech that rivaled nails on a chalkboard.

And yet again, I find myself off track. So, I told him at lunch. One minute he was sitting there all cute and the next I just blurted it out. Curse my lack of internal filter. He was babbling on about fun, carefree things. Right in the middle of his sentence, I interrupted and said "I'm gay. You should know that." He stopped talking and just looked at me. I've never been more nervous in my entire life. After about 20 seconds of silence, I was really worried. But then he did something wonderful. He reached across the table and covered my hand with his own. I was looking down at the ground when he told me to look at him. When I did, he was looking at me with so much acceptance. You know what he told me then? He looked at me and said it didn't matter. He already suspected and I was still his best friend. :D He's the best. Hopefully one day I'll be more, but for now I'm completely content.

Happily Yours,

Adam

Wednesday, November 1

Dear Diary,

Oh. My. God. Halloween was the BEST. I love that holiday anyway, but this year outshone all others.

My costume was awesome. I dressed up as a vampire. I wore contacts that made my eyes a very light blue (almost white). I had a pair of fake fangs custom made. I wore all black with a cape. Let's just say, I was pretty hot.

But my costume in no way compared to Kris's. Yes, we're still friends. I know I haven't updated you in a while, but we couldn't be closer. We spend all our free time together. He's always at my house or I'm at his house. He even lets me talk boys with him. I haven't determined what way he swings yet, but he'll still sit there quietly as I rant on about how beautiful Bill Kaulitz is. Which he totally is, I'm just saying.

Anyway, back to Kris's costume. He was an angel for Halloween. A very sexy angel. He had a tight fitting, white, long-sleeved shirt and tight white pants. The tight thing was my idea, by the way. He was going to wear a tunic, but I told him no way, he had to show off his assets. He turned that advice into skin-tight clothes. Best advice I've ever given. On his back was set an enormous pair of wings made from white feathers. To top everything off, his eyes were covered in white, sparkly make-up and his whole face had an ethereal glow. His hair was set in a mess look and there were sparkles in it. I about died when I picked him up from his place.

I probably was staring a little too long because he got all self-conscious. He thought the costume was too much. I assured him that it was perfect. Like, perfectly perfect.

We went to a costume party hosted by a few old friends of mine. You remember Brad and Cassidy, right? Well, they rented out this sick old house and decorated it like it was haunted. They had kickin' music (yes, I just said that) and plenty of alcohol to go around.

Me and Kris hung together during the party. I convinced him to drink because he was a little reluctant at first. What a perfect angel! He is the cutest drunk though. He gets all clingy and affectionate. If Kris hugs were toxic, I'd be dead a million times over. I stayed mostly sober for the party. There was no way I wanted to miss seeing Kris hammered. I was not disappointed. He even told me he loved me once. I know he didn't mean it the way I want him too, but a boy can dream, right?

I'll never forget this Halloween. Adorable!Kris is too awesome a memory to forget.

Happy Halloween,

Adam

Monday, November 6

Dear Diary,

Kris held my hand today. In front of everyone! Gokey and his goons had me cornered in the locker room. They were calling me a faggot and saying things I would rather not repeat. It hurt a lot. I wasn't going to cry in front of them (I wouldn't want to give them the pleasure), so I held back and took it. I was all set to cry by myself somewhere later (Hell, I'm only human), when Kris came to my rescue. He was my little hero. He walked over to me and faced those assholes. He didn't yell or stoop to their level, but he told them that good Christians didn't hate people because God loved everyone. I'm not religious, but his speech moved even me. I nearly cried right there because of how touching it was. It sure as hell shut Gokey up.

Then Kris grabbed my hand and said "Let's go Adam." We walked out of the locker room, down the crowded hallway and into a deserted bathroom, the whole time with his little hand in mine.

When we got to the bathroom, I couldn't contain myself anymore. I sat down against the wall and broke down. I wish I had more control, but I don't. I'm sorry Kris had to see me like that. He didn't seem to mind me being weak though. In face, he plopped right down next to me and hugged my head against his shoulder. As I cried, he ran his fingers through my hair and let me get his shirt all wet. He didn't say anything, just let me cry. Some moments don't need words.

I have a problem. Not being weak or being yelled at or anything. After today, I realized I am completely and totally in love with Kris Allen.

Help!,

Adam

Thursday, November 9

Dear Diary,

I just want to crawl into a hole and curl up for the rest of my life. Why do I get myself into these situations? So, as you know, I've been in love with Kris since Monday. I guess I should have noticed sooner that I was falling in too deep. Now, it's too late. I can't help letting my gaze linger for too long or feeling a pulse of electricity course through my being with every hug. I'm a fucking goner!

I found out Kris's type today. Let's just say he likes beauty, blond hair, and being head of the cheerleaders. Prime example: Katy O'Connell. Gah! I could strangle that girl! I suppose it's not her fault though. It's not Kris's either. It's my damn fault for falling for someone unattainable.

At lunch today, Kris was acting all weird and fidgety. Which is quite adorable, but I shouldn't be noticing that. Anyway, he was nervous and unusually quiet. I waited five minutes, five whole minutes!, for him to tell me what was wrong. It's not like him to keep things from me. When he didn't say a word, I asked him what was up. He told me it was just dating troubles. I tensed up, obviously, but I don't think he noticed. He started going on and on about how there was this person he liked but he didn't know if they liked him back and he wanted to ask said person out but he was nervous. I kinda hate how cute he is when he rambles. It makes him even better. I asked who the person was and he paused, looked around the room and said Katy. My heart dropped out of my chest. Now I'll never have a chance with him. Stupid heart!

Heartbroken,

Adam

Wednesday, November 15

Dear Diary,

Kristopher Allen will be the death of me. Last week, I found out he liked Katy. Freaking Katy! He's been going on and on about how nervous he is and other shit like that. I want to tell him the truth about his little obsession. I'll never forget the day she and her friend, Michael Sarver, cornered me after school. I came home with a black eye, several broken ribs, and a severely bruised ego. But I can't tell him that, can I? If he likes her, it's not my place to ruin it. I just wish he'd shut up already.

I told him I'd had enough at lunch. He was killing me with all of the whining. I told him to just ask her out already. I mean, really? Who pines for someone they obviously really like and doesn't do anything about it? Well, besides me, of course, but that's not the point. I can never have what I want, so there's no point in ruining a good friendship. For Kris, he could get Katy in a heartbeat if he'd just work up the courage. If I look at it objectively, they're kinda perfect for each other. The sweet, cute, sensitive musician fits perfectly with the gorgeous blonde bimbo. Not so much with the fat, ugly, gay singer. I told Kris they would be cute together. He smiled shyly and said he would call her tonight and then let me know how it goes. He hasn't called yet, though.

Oh, wait a minute. The phone's ringing. What perfect timing. I'll be right back.

That was Kris on the phone. Katy said yes.

Inconsolable,

Adam

Monday, November 27

Dear Diary,

It's been a week and a half. Katy and Kris are still together. I'm still alone. She sits with us at lunch now. Always laughing at his jokes and touching his arm possessively. She hasn't said anything mean yet. She probably doesn't want him to see her true colors. He seems so happy. There's always a smile on Kris's face these days. He's more outgoing and perfect. I'm glad he's happy, I really am. I just wish I could have been the one to make him happy. But that ship has sailed. He's with Katy. They're disgustingly adorable.

She even comes along with him when the two of us are supposed to be doing something together. I guess it's hos before bros, emphasis on the ho. Saturday night, we were supposed to go to the park together and work on song lyrics. I had the whole night planned. It was going to be fun. I had been looking forward to it all week. When I got to the park, however, there they sat. Gazing at the stars or something. I asked Kris why Katy was there. He told me that she had wanted to come and he didn't think I would mind. Of course I minded. A whole fucking lot. But I didn't let him know that. Instead, I only said that it was fine and we got to work. I worked silently on depressing songs while Kris was preoccupied with Katy.

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand the cuteness. Every day I see them together, my heart dies a little more. Pretty soon, I'll just be an empty shell of my former self.

Depressed,

Adam

Tuesday, December 5

Dear Diary,

I'm not the only hurt person anymore. The Lonely Hearts Club officially has a new member. Not that I'm happy about it. I never wanted Kris to feel this way. In a sense, I feel like it's my fault Kris and Katy broke up. If I hadn't wished so hard for it to happen, maybe he would still be my carefree, adorable, huggable Krissy. Instead of the depressed, rejected, and introspective Kris that has taken over my best friend.

It hurts to see him like this. All I want is for him to be happy. At lunch he doesn't talk anymore. Just nods and eats. Hell, he barely even looks at me anymore. I miss my best friend. He's somewhere in the empty shell with Kris's face. I'll just have to coax the old Kris back.

You're probably wondering what happened with the world's cutest couple. It is all my fault. There's no point in kidding myself and saying otherwise. Last Friday, the three of us were hanging out at Kris's house. Katy seemed tense around me all night and would barely acknowledge my presence. Eventually, Kris left the room and me and Katy were left alone together. She looked at me with disgust and told me I needed to stop corrupting her boyfriend by hanging out with him. I yelled at her, saying there was enough Kris to go around. She yelled back and a shouting match ensued. Kris walked in right in the middle of it. Katy whipped up some fake tears and started saying I had been mean to her for no reason. I told him that that was utter bullshit and I couldn't stand being around the bitch any longer and he could call me when she was out of the picture. Then I stormed out of the house and went back home.

He called less than an hour later. They had broken up and he needed me to go over right away. I practically ran all the way there. He was locked in his room. He let me in and then started crying. I held him and told him it would be okay. It broke my heart to see how I had hurt him. If I had been a better actor, maybe they'd still be together and Kris would be happy again.

As it is, I'm feeling incredibly guilty. I know I shouldn't but a small part of me is happy they broke up. It opens things for me. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to want to cheer him up and make him happy for the rest of our lives. I need to shut up my heart and listen to my brain.

Guilty,

Adam

Saturday, December 9

Dear Diary,

I came up with a brilliant plan! I know, I know, you're saying all my plans are great, but this one was spectacular. So, I've been dealing with Mopey!Kris ALL WEEK LONG! Gah! There's only so much a guy can take. Yesterday, I finally went off on his sorry ass. I told him I was taking him clubbing and he was going to enjoy himself, damn it! That earned me a small smile and a quiet ok. God, I love his smiles. They're so cute!

I picked him up at his place. He was wearing tight clothes again (like Halloween). I told him he looked super hot and he blushed and mumbled thanks. He's so freaking adorable. I drove us to some random club. We're both 18, so they let us in, but no drinks though. What a drag! Oh well, we had fun anyway. He wanted to sit on the sidelines and watch me and all the other people dance. I let him know that I would stand for moping on our night of fun. I dragged him to the dance floor and we danced all night long. He never tried to dance with anyone else. Instead he danced with me the whole night. He's such a good dancer. I freaking love that boy! So amazing.

I drove him home all smiles, thank God. He was happily ranting about random things. There was no negativity at all. It seemed like my brilliant plan worked.

When we got to his house, he turned to me and thanked me for a great night. Then he smiled one of those heart-stopping smiles of his. I told him that I would not allow moping again, it really didn't suit him (which is a lie because everything suits him). I leaned in and kissed his forehead and told him good night. He left the car with a smile. So now I have Happy!Kris back.

:D :D :D,

Adam

Friday, December 15

Dear Diary,

So I guess my plan wasn't as good as I thought it was. Everything seemed fine last Saturday. I thought Kris was doing better. Apparently, I was wrong. All week at school, he's been moping again. Not the same as last week, but still. This week, he's been talking to me like normal. But he's sad and contemplative and jumpy. He keeps staring at me too. It's really weird. It's like he's trying to figure something out.

I asked him about the staring today. He blushed and said he wasn't staring. I told him that yes, in fact, he was staring and it was starting to creep me out. That was kind of a lie. I like that I'm worth staring at for whatever reason. I just wish he would tell me why because I'm just fabricating stupid reasons. For example, he could be staring at me because he thinks I'm really hot and he wants to jump my bones. Unlikely. He could be staring because he just realized he's best friends with a big gay Jew and he's freaking our. Doubtful. He could be staring because I'm having a bad hair week and he's too polite to say anything. Impossible. I'm freaking out trying to figure out why he's staring at me! I just wish he'd tell me already!

Anyway, today he was looking a little happier. After school, we hung out at my house. He noticed the obvious lack of Christmas decorations and asked me about it. I told him that being Jewish, my family didn't celebrate Christmas. He excused himself from the room to make a phone call. When he came back, he was absolutely beaming. He invited me over to his house for Christmas. After all, everyone should share in the Christmas joy. I asked Mom, and she said it was fine as long as the Allens came over for New Years. Kris called his parents again and they agreed. Maybe Kris will be full of joy for Christmas!

Excited and Weirded Out,

Adam

Monday, December 25

Dear Diary,

Today was Christmas! It was the first Christmas I've ever celebrated. And let me tell you, I've been missing out! I'll have to celebrate with Kris every year from now on.

The first thing we did when I got there was have Christmas dinner. It was like Thanksgiving, only bigger, ham instead of turkey, and it was cooked by the best cooks in the world. Kris and his mom did all the cooking. Kris has been keeping an awful secret from me. I've never tasted anything better than his mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, and peanut butter pie. His mom's cooking was good too, but his was to die for. I must have gained an extra 20 pounds tonight that I really did not need. How did I ever life without his cooking?

After dinner, everyone went in to the living room to open presents. I brought gifts for Kris and his family, but I didn't expect any in return. Allowing me to join them on their family holiday was gift enough. I watched the two Allen boys open their gifts. Then Kris opened mine. I got him a nice new plaid shirt (an inside joke, he wears nothing but plaid) and a notebook for him to write his lyrics in. He has the most beautiful lyrics.

Then Kris did something unexpected. He brought out a package for me. I told him he didn't need to give me anything, but he said it was no trouble. I opened the present and found a CD labeled "Kris Allen". Also, there was a bracelet made of black, red and blue beads. Kris told me he made it for me. My heart melted. I gave him a big hug and put the bracelet on. I don't think I'll ever take it off. KrisAllen

Merry Christmas,

Adam

Sunday, December 31

Happy New Year!

Dear Adam,

Hey, it's Kris. You left your room to get ready for bed, so I figure I have a while. It takes forever for you to get ready! :P

I found this laying on your bed and I just took a quick look out of curiosity. When I saw it was your diary, I almost closed it right away, but then something caught my eye. When you first saw me, you thought I was as beautiful as an angel? That's funny. I don't think I'm worth a second glance, let alone a first. You're the perfect one. Let me give you the lowdown- Adam Lambert: Awesome-ly tall

Amazing Emo Hair

Blue-Grey eyes that I could fall in

forever

Voice that soothes me like no one else's

I was in awe of you from the beginning. I was amazed you wanted to be friends with me. I'm glad, though. You're the best friend I've ever had.

In your next entry, you wrote about maybe someday being more than just my best friend. I want you to know that I want that too. I have from the beginning.

When I told you I loved you at the Halloween party, it was somewhat the truth. I wasn't in love with you yet, but I wanted you. The only was I was brave enough to admit it was when I was drunk. Oh, and by the way, Bill Kaulitz is a total hot-y!

Remember the day those assholes yelled at you? I wanted to tear them apart. What right did they have to say those mean things to you? I hate people like that. I'm glad I could help you. You fell in love with me then. Why? All I did was help my friend. You could do way better than me. I'm not special in the least.

That day at lunch when I told you I liked Katy was a complete and total lie. I wanted to tell you that I liked you, but I was too scared. You're my best friend and I didn't want to mess that up. So I chose the nearest girl I could see. I'm sorry I hurt you. I was just scared. Can you ever forgive me? I was 'whining' about it because I hadn't decided whether I wanted to tell you the truth or try to make you jealous. I chose the jealousy path. Worst decision I've ever made.

Being in a relationship with Katy was awful. I had no feelings towards her what-so-ever. I even know about how evil she was. I heard her talking to her friends one day when she thought I wasn't around. She said some awful things about you. But I stayed with her. I had to continue the plan. I was hoping you would break first.

Unfortunately, Katy broke before either of us. Apparently, she thought I would choose her over you. She was dead wrong. You're the only person I really NEED in my life. I'm glad she blew up though. When you came to comfort me after the break-up, I made a realization. I didn't just like you. I was in love with you. That's why I was upset for over a week. I didn't think you would ever love me back. The night out was fun! I imagined it was a real date all night long. I was happy until reality sunk in. I still thought you were just a great friend.

I'm glad you came to Christmas. Is my cooking really that good? I guess you've just been deprived of my southern talents. :P I really liked your present! It was amazing. I've already written several songs in the notebook. All of them love songs. I'm glad you like your present. I worked forever on making that bracelet. I fused the essence of Adam Lambert into your three favorite colors. It's full of my love for you.

I love you, Adam. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I really do. You're the sun in my darkness. I know that sounds cliché, but it's true. Please forgive me for reading through this. I meant no harm. It gave me the courage to admit my feelings for you. Maybe now we can stop lying to each other. I'll always love you, Adam. AdamLambert

Forever Yours,

Kris

P.S. I was staring at you because you're really hot and I want to jump your bones! :P ;)

Adam picked up his diary to write his New Years entry. Kris was sitting at the end of Adam's bed, hastily scribbling in his lyric notebook. Adam was leaning against the headboard. He flipped the diary open and saw an entry that started with "Dear Adam." What was going on? Had Kris read through his diary and decided to write an entry telling him how weirded out he now was? This could not end well. He began to read through what Kris had written.

The entire time Adam was reading, Kris watched him nervously. He had stopped writing. He was biting his lip and rubbing the back of his neck (two bad habits he succumbed to when nervous). What if Adam was exaggerating in his diary, or had changed his mind? Kris was starting to regret the decision to write his feeling down for Adam to see.

"Kris?" Adam asked in a small voice. He looked up at Kris, whose eyes were darkened with apprehension. "Did you mean it? Is this the way you really feel?" It couldn't possibly be true. Kris must be playing some kind of sick game with him. Adam just had to be sure.

Kris swallowed and took a deep breath. "Yes, Adam," he managed to say calmer than he was feeling. "Everything I wrote was the truth."

Adam moved to sit closer to Kris. He raised a hand and placed it on Kris's cheek. Kris leaned into the warm touch. Adam looked into Kris's eyes, trying to distinguish fear hesitation. But all he saw was love. Kris looked up at Adam. He searched for anger or annoyance, but there was only wonder.

Adam leaned down as Kris moved up. Their lips met briefly before Adam moved back slightly. "I love you, Kris," he whispered against Kris's mouth.

"I love you too, Adam," Kris said. He leaned in to kiss Adam again.

They had just begun to deepen the kiss when loud cheering erupted from downstairs to signal the New Year. Kris and Adam paid the noise no attention. All their focus was on each other as they began a new year, a new relationship and a new life.

**The End**


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